A Dark Sense of Humor Helps with Grieving and Life’s Rough Patches

I just had the best laugh when I went on Facebook this morning. I know people talk about how FB is evil or what not, but once in a while you read something that just makes you laugh and perhaps gives life’s issues a little perspective. I think the overall theme that struck me was that a dark sense of humor has gotten me through some pretty tough times. Sometimes I look at all the “going to therapy” options or praying options and we know these are really coping mechanisms to see us through the “not so nice” times of life. I think if you look at a cross section of my closest friends you would find that a dark sense of humor is a common thread that bonds us. For instance, I have two close friends that have lost parents while we were young. I don’t know that this is never an easy thing to deal with, but we have our own little system of telling well, for lack of a better label, Dead People Jokes. These jokes are only told within our circle and we can usually tell if someone is just too stiff to get it. Like my friend who lost her Mom to Cancer while we were in college will say, “My Mom never gets me anything for my birthday anymore.” This is usually as the other 2 parent friends are talking about getting gifts or whatever, but it stops what we were talking about. It is followed by each of us making some sarcastic comment to go along with it. We all laugh and, in some way, we all get it too. I often wonder if other cultures do this or other groups of Americans do this too? If you know of any examples, I would love to hear it. I know my Swiss cousins talk this way, so at least I am sure it might be genetic.

I get this humor from my own family. We have had our share of tragedy, but we also pride ourselves on a slightly darker take on life. It’s the only way to rise above our dysfunction. I know my kids also crack jokes that would appall other parents, but they are raised around it, so they had to come out that way. My Grand Father was diagnosed decades ago with Alzheimer’s. Listen, this has to be one of the cruelest types of diseases, because it both leaves the person here and yet makes all their memories and brain functions fail. So, I always throw the joke that “there are only two good things about Alzheimer’s, you’re always making new friends and you can hide your own Easter Eggs!” At one point, we got a kick out of how Grand Pa thought that there was a guy trying to take his razor from him every morning. You gotta love that perspective.

Now the rules. Well any well placed dark joke about tragedy should be said in the right time, perhaps not immediately. This is a tough thing to feel out, but you have to. Right now, we are dealing with my Dad being told his Cancer (he fought for so long) is now back and terminal. I was visiting him at his house and I managed to make a joke about it. He was eating and he said that the new medicine was increasing his appetite so much that he was losing his girlish figure. This is a common thing my Dad has said for years. I just looked at him and in the most smart ass way said, “I don’t think gaining weight is a huge concern for you at this point.” And then I laughed. I caught myself only after I had said it, feeling horrified that I would hurt his feelings, but he just laughed and laughed. When you think about it, to laugh about it removes the OMG factor and the whispers that follow people who are in a bad way. I was told by a co-worker that had cancer that once she had it, it was all people would talk about or completely avoid. She appreciated that I treated her like a person and joked about it, because frankly, there is really nothing else you can do once you’ve done everything. I kinda feel that the way we deal with death is a little bit of childish avoidance or overly grownup seriousness that is kinda fake or expected by our culture. Humor is one of the few antidotes to this self limiting, politically correct stance. Oh and don’t forget we don’t make fun of others with our humor. The person in question has to be in on the joke. I am sure I am missing some other rules which are never really outlined, but always followed. My friends can fill in those blanks.

The bottom line is lighten up people. It’s just life. Horrible things happen to everyone and hopefully at some time you can look back and laugh at those things. I think the people who have passed on are chuckling a bit too. Oh so the joke on FB? Here it is: “When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep, just like my grandfather, not screaming at the top of my lungs like everyone else in his car.” I don’t know where it came from, but it made me laugh even with my Dad facing Cancer. Thanks to whoever came up with this dark sense of humor, you are now in my circle of friends.